Awakening
by RiiotRunnerr
Summary: Takes place between episodes 617 and 618  and written before Frontier Land aired. Sam's wall seems to be deteriorating, and the boys are worried. So Castiel decides to tell Sam how he feels. But can Sam handle Castiel's confession? One-shot, kinda fluffy.


Sam was standing in Bobby's living room in a daze, just staring blankly out of the window. He stood still as a statue for a long while. These…episodes, you might call them, had been happening more and more frequently since his soul had been returned to him and the wall put up in his mind to keep all the horror of Hell at bay. No one really knew what to make of it. Dean was worried that the wall might slowly be crumbling, but no one knew what to do about it. Nothing could shake Sam out of these stupors, and they were afraid to try anything drastic for fear of making it worse, like putting him in a coma or something equally as frightening. Sam just had to snap out of it on his own, and he always did. Well, so far.

An hour passed before Sam felt something tugging at the edge of his consciousness. It was like waking after the deepest sleep, like trying to drag himself out of quicksand. He was groggy and struggled to focus, to rejoin the present. He slowly turned his head to find what had somehow caught his attention, and his eyes landed on Castiel, who was sitting on the couch across the room, staring intently at Sam. Castiel had been in the room the whole time, silently willing Sam to snap out of his catatonic state. He didn't know if the power of his gaze had brought Sam out of the stupor or if Sam had just managed it on his own. _It was probably the latter_, Castiel thought. But then why would Sam's attention go immediately to the angel after waking up? Either way, Castiel was just relieved that Sam was once again conscious and aware of his surroundings. He got to his feet and crossed the room in an instant, laying his hands gently on Sam to check for a fever or a rapid heartbeat or anything else out of the ordinary.

"What are you doing, Cas?" Sam asked. He stepped back a couple paces nervously.

"Just making sure you're all right. Are you all right?"

"I guess so. You were just kind of, a little too close too soon, you know? Freaked me out a little."

"I do apologize," Cas blushed. "I just…you're my friend. I was worried. We all are."

"I know, I'm sorry. I don't know what to do about all this."

"We'll figure something out, Sam. We will."

Sam smiled slightly and stepped back towards Castiel, putting a hand on Cas' shoulder. "Thanks, Cas. Really. I know you have so many other things to be worrying about."

"Nothing more important than you," Castiel said as he closed the distance between them a little more.

"I. Oh. Wait, what?" Sam's hand dropped from Castiel's shoulder and fell limply to his side in surprise.

Castiel cleared his throat. "Oh, I just meant. Um, you know."

"I'm, uh, I'm not sure I do, actually," Sam laughed softly and a bit uncomfortably.

Castiel looked up at Sam earnestly. Sam just stared back, unable to tear his gaze away from the angel's. Castiel tried to think of something, anything at all, to say, but nothing was coming to mind. So he decided to try something else. After all, actions speak louder than words, don't they? He laid his hand gently on Sam's face, was about to pull him in for a kiss, but Sam stepped back once more, clearly thinking that Castiel's actions were speaking a bit too loudly.

"What are you doing, Cas?" Sam asked for a second time that night.

Again, Castiel cleared his throat, thoroughly embarrassed. He looked anywhere but at Sam as he tried to come up with an answer.

"I mean, I like you, Cas. Very much. Just not…quite that way."

"Why?" Castiel hadn't meant to say it; it had just come out before he could stop it, like word vomit. His voice broke slightly on the word, and even he knew it sounded pathetic.

"Well, I don't know, I mean," Sam stammered. _Oh my God_, he thought. _I have never felt this awkward in my life. _"You. You're, you know. Well, your vessel is. A guy. I mean, right? I just, uh. Don't swing that way, if you know what I mean." Sam let out a nervous bark of laughter, saw the hurt forming in Castiel's expression, and sobered immediately. It was Sam's turn to clear his throat awkwardly.

"So are you saying that if I were to inhabit a female vessel, you would be more inclined to reciprocate my feelings?"

"I don't know, Cas. Maybe? But maybe not. I just, I really don't know." Sam scrubbed a hand through his hair and over his face in slight exasperation.

"It would still be me, though. My thoughts and personality would not change. Or is that part of the problem?"

"C'mon, Cas. I honestly have no idea. Either way it would be strange, don't you think?"

"Strange how?"

"Because, because we're friends. And. Well. I think that, even in a new vessel, I'd only be able to think of you as you are now. This," Sam gestured to Castiel, "this face and this body are what will always automatically pop into my head when I think of you. Because this is how I first met you, how I've known you for so long. I just don't think it would matter. And it would be strange. I'm sorry, but it would. So don't go changing vessels. Not for me," he said quickly.

"You don't even want to try?"

"I'm sorry, but no. I don't think so."

"Fine."

And with that, Castiel flew off, leaving only the sound of his rustling wings hovering in the air.

"Cas! Wait! Come back," Sam begged.

Nothing.

"Please?"

Still nothing, until a few seconds later when Sam heard footsteps approaching from the next room. He turned to find Dean entering the living room with Bobby.

"Sammy. Back with us at last," Dean said as he smiled at his younger brother.

"Yeah, did you hear any of that?" Sam asked the two men.

"Hear any of what?" Bobby asked.

"Nothing."

"Sam—" Dean began.

"Just…never mind." Sam anxiously ran a hand through his hair again and walked outside to get some air, hoping Dean and Bobby would leave him be. He got his wish; they didn't follow him. He felt terrible now and didn't know what to do about it. This was just not something he ever expected, not from Castiel. Of course Cas was his friend, and he supposed he did feel a kind of love for the angel. But that kind of love? Sam had never even thought about it before. And if he was honest with himself, the fact that Castiel was in a male vessel was not the number one issue here. What was, then? Sam's immediate reaction was to push Castiel away, to dismiss the fact someone like Cas could ever feel anything so meaningful about him, Sam Winchester. Sam couldn't see how he could ever deserve that kind of love from an angel, even if every angel he knew was as far from his childhood hopes and assumptions as possible. Castiel was still fierce, and righteous and powerful, while Sam felt weak and unworthy. He just didn't understand. And he'd only told Cas the first lie that popped into his head.

He sat in the yard for a while, pushing away the self-pity now, and leaning on some old truck that Bobby was probably never going to fix. He tried to think back, to find clues leading up to that night's seemingly sudden confession of Castiel's feelings. Sam couldn't think of anything. Either Cas was really good at hiding his feelings, or Sam was just clueless. _Probably both_, he thought. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back against the door of the truck and sat in silent contemplation for a while longer. Finally frustrated and exhausted, he got up and dusted himself off, silently vowing to put it all out of his mind for now. He doubted they'd be seeing Castiel for a while, and he hoped no one would ask him why. What answer could he possibly give?

Two days passed. Sam, Dean, and Bobby continued their research and planning, trying to come up with a plausible plan of attack on the thing calling herself Eve, Mother of All. And even with a much bigger picture to be worrying about, all Sam could really concentrate on was Castiel. His thoughts kept going back to the moment when the angel tried to kiss him, and he was beginning to feel something akin to regret. Regret about what, though? That he hadn't just let Cas kiss him? What's the worst that could have happened? _I could have enjoyed it. _And what would have been so terrible about that? Sam couldn't take it anymore. He slipped outside quietly and called to Castiel, praying that he would answer.

"Castiel, please. Please. If you can come now, just, please. We need to talk," he said with eyes squeezed shut and desperation in his voice.

Just when he was about to give up, Sam heard the sound he'd been waiting for; the rustling of wings that meant his prayer had been answered. He opened his eyes slowly to find Castiel standing in front of him. Sam couldn't help but smile slightly at the sight of him, as awkward as their last meeting had been. He had missed Cas and resisted the sudden urge to hug him.

"What is it, Sam? Do you need something?" Castiel was clearly agitated, and Sam did not miss the implication that Cas felt he was only called when a favor was needed. The smile slid right off Sam's face.

"No, no. I don't need anything. I just wanted to see you, to talk about the other night. To apologize."

"Your apology is noted. I have other things to be dealing with right now, however, so if you don't mind—"

"Wait, Cas. Just wait." He put a hand on Castiel's shoulder to stop him. Cas looked up in surprise, his expression softening.

"What is it, Sam?" he asked again, gentler this time.

"I wanted to know. I just wanted to know." Sam removed his hand, and looked down at the ground. He was having immense trouble forming his thoughts.

Castiel took a step closer to his friend. "Know what?"

"Why me?" Sam asked, barely above a whisper, and still not looking at Castiel.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, why me? Why do you want me?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"It just seems like if you were going to have these feelings for anyone, it'd be Dean."

"What makes you think so?"

"Well, you said that one time that you and he have a more…'profound bond,' or something."

"Well, yes. But…"

Sam finally looked up. "But what?"

"He's kind of a dick, as you say."

Sam laughed. "Yeah, he can be."

"But you…" Castiel began.

"Why me?" Sam asked once more.

"You are…beautiful, Sam," Castiel said sincerely. He reached up to touch Sam's face, and this time, Sam did not pull away. Instead he closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, savoring it.

"What are you talking about?" He looked into Castiel's deep blue eyes, searching for the explanation of why this creature wanted him so.

"You are beautiful," Castiel told him again. He would say it until Sam believed it, would never stop saying it, ever. It would always be true. "Everything about you. The way you sacrificed yourself for us, for everyone. The way you never lose hope when the rest of us do. You give me hope, Sam. You and Dean both give me hope, Bobby too. But especially you. I keep fighting because of you, and I keep fighting for you. Anything I do is ultimately to keep you safe."

"I don't know what to say." Sam looked on the verge of tears, though he was smiling the little crooked smile that never failed to completely undo Castiel.

"Don't say anything then."

Castiel was leaning in to kiss him, but Sam was quicker. He took Castiel's face in his hands and planted his lips on the angel's. Castiel smiled into the kiss and moaned softly with pleasure. He wrapped his arms tightly around Sam's strong frame, holding him so close. This, this moment was what he had been waiting for. This was why Castiel tried to come every time Sam called. To have Sam safe and in his arms was all that mattered at that moment. Not Eve, not the war in Heaven. Nothing but Sam.


End file.
